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What more can I ask for? What had I not thought of myself to be when I was a child? My self-esteem and the character that I had built up for the past 25 years vanished in a matter of just 3 seconds. The moral values which I assumed had existed to be within my soul had just been vaporized and left me with a blank view. I take this nothing but a failure on my side. I always thought of controlling my emotions and prided myself that I can keep a check on most of the life situations. My audacious attitude took a new turn and presented itself over my face over which I was left with no choice but to stare at it right into its own eyes.

June 19th, 2008 will always be fresh in my mind. After 10 months of marriage and 2 and half years of love(which was assumed to be there), I got slapped by my beloved wife. What a strange coincidence that after a few days of making an entry that I have deceived her, I got slapped. And this gives me another opportunity to utter my favorite quote, Fate is not without a sense of irony(From The Matrix). Hadn’t I been a person until now? What could a ‘person’ actually mean? Does it just cater to the dictionary meaning of ‘an individual’? If it is so, then why does everyone, every single person who you thought are the center of your world do not mind what you say and do not respect to what you are feeling.

Why does Love actually inflict upon the cause that whatever is told has to be done or agreed upon? Doesn’t Love emphasize that one should respect other’s feelings and ideas? Doesn’t Love mean that you are supposed to pay special attention to the opposite person? Doesn’t it also refer to the single source of joy when you are with them? Doesn’t it say that all you wish is the joy of that person? Why does Love always say that you need to pay special attention, you need to provide care, you have to cater to their needs, you have to provide the means for their life? Why doesn’t it ever say that the Love given needs to be reverted back? Does it always increase in sharing rather than receiving at least from one person who you suppose is very near and dear to you?

Who can I ask these questions? Who has got the time to answer my queries? Who can appease my views that are taking such a strong hold over me for the past few days? Am I at a loss totally? Is this reversible? My eyes are not able to focus. I will get back later. I need to vent out in one manner or the other.

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Yes, I am doing it. I unknowingly am encouraging my wife to be a drunkard.

She is on the floor now. In a deep sleep, unknown to her that her beloved husband and her so called love is turning in to nothing but a failure. Giving her false promises and making her think that I will become someone who will maker proud and why she has chose me into her life and always thought that attaining me and My Love to be Her Destiny. I am shattering her dream. Unknown and innocent she looks when she has her eyes closed. I pity Myself and I am sad for her. I am a disgusting weed that she has made her life saving log to clung when she is neck deep in trouble. Oh! what would I do!

I wanna tell Her that she has to realize how much I have failed her. I have stabbed right through Her heart to attain Her. I am so slowly poisoning Her mind and am elevating her hopes on Me. Every night she wants Me to become someone she can hold her head high. I donno whether I am using the right words to extinguish my anguish. I know I am not, but in this hurry and moving forward in such an angst, I donno whether I am, or I do not care whether I am able to express my angst on this blog or not. I don’t care. I don’t mind myself being dead by tomorrow morning. But, I want Her to be safe and sound. I know the pains that she has gne thru to get me into her life. I care for her a lot. I love her a lot. I feel sad for myself over why I have dragged her down into this kind of situation.

I am drinking a strong dose of Vodka now. Lightly mixed with a strong soda.Hmmm,such a funny combination. I Love you, My Wife. I care for you a lot. I am making myself obscure over here in letting someone know that I am trying a lot to get my world onto the right tracks. Is it true? I don’t think so. I know I have to move fast. I realize that I have to take a step so soon that this would not provide me with a chance to look back. Would I be able to do that? would I be able to bring hope into my life?

I do not think so.

Am I a failure?

The only probable answer that I can get when I ask this question is, YES. I consider myself as a failure, as a whole. I have let people down. I have let my soul down. I am nowhere where I consider the position where I stand now. I have no one to lend a helping hand. I have my beloved spouse. But, she too considers me to be a failure. I am unknowingly surmising to this very thing which is so called as concavity towards myself. I have tried hard to let myself out of this. But, the very options that I have aren’t permitting me to do so.

I would like the world to know why I consider myself to be so miserable and pathetic. I had every chance to be on top of the world. I do not say that I am an arrogant, unwise, unintelligent, foolish and many more adverbs to demoralise my charecteristics. I had been a trend setter when I was studying. People followed me as a cult. My fellow students wished to be like me. So intelligent, so loving, so caring, so helpful and in every way admired by one and all.

But, I donno why I let myself to be in a failure’s shoes. I would like if one can answer my questions as I end up a chapter over whats going on and what had gone until now. I am The One to be solved. I am in search of that Solution.